Tonight I'm screaming out to the stars

I woke up late today and it made me feel like shit. It made me hate school.

It made me prefer to be really sick than to be at school.


While walking to school, I couldn't help but think of cruel thoughts to myself.

I was hoping that the glass on the sidewalk would  go through my shoe and cut my foot.

I was hoping I'd get hit by a car.

I was hoping I'd get kidnapped.


While in school, I craved some Mexican food.

I also craved alcohol.


I don't know why I felt so depressed. Though, thinking about a blog I wrote in the summer made me think that is was because I'm going to become a failure. I woke up late and I felt like a failure.



And as the day went on, my day slowly got better.

In my first class, I didn't know what I felt. The depression I had was slowly going away. I didn't wanna smile, but I couldn't help it when Madame Bradford made many witty remarks. I also thought that I didn't need be sad, I wasn't late to school. That doesn't make me a failure. Then she mentioned Haiti and I definitely told myself I shouldn't be sad for something so small.
In History, we're beginning to learn about WWII and we were to give what we thought of the Nazi's and how they were dressed, how, the swastikas made us feel. It made me feel angry and sad, but it also made me think that I'm not much of a failure compared to Hitler and the rest of his robots.
I've never been more grateful than to have amazing people in my life. Without some people today, I woudn't have been able to make my lunch a good lunch. I mean, it could of been her I could have been hanging out with, lagging behind her walks, my mind steaming with anger. But instead it was her. And there was him, they were funny and they didn't make me wanna lose control (but music does [hahaha]).
In my math class, we had a practice test. We have to put dividers up when ever we take tests and when I walked in the room, I mentally groaned. I thought I was going to fail. But then when he passed out the test sheets and I saw what was on there, I mentally smacked myself and thought, this is easy shit. I missed a couple of problems, but I realized what I did. I didn't feel like such a failure.
English, I couldn't really feel like too much of a loser. All we did was read, annotate, and... something else, but I don't remember. But during that class, I went to go see my counselor about this program I wanna do in my Junior year. And even though we only talked about that program, I felt all of my depressed thoughts and mood, went completely away. I don't know how he did it; maybe it's just that counselor aura that I got from. Or maybe it's 'cause he's awesome. Seriously, he's great. I don't know, but I felt like a new man when I walked out of the counseling center.

I'm glad I woke up late today. I got the chance to see the most beautiful sunrise ever. It makes me wanna do that every day. But I know I'm too lazy. XD

I pretty much felt like a flower the whole day. Except I was a dead flower, and slowly my stem began to stiffen it's self and my  peddles turned brighter than ever.

Man, I wish it was spring already.

I don't know why I've come to love all nighters so much. Maybe I do. All nighters bring me many memories of summer 2007. Which has been the best summer I had since my mom died. 2009 had almost beat it, but it had a few poop worthy moments.

Christmas was amazing. I tried falling asleep the night before, but the impatient inner child kept me up until two the next day. I woke up to having all my blankets off of me and in the process I kept hearing thumping noises upstairs.At first my mind was on the fact that Santa was here, but then I looked at the clock and was wide awake at the fact that is was actually Nichole (sister) and Brian (brother-in-law) just getting into the house and setting up presents and such. It made my sleep haze jolt and I could no longer stand to laying down.
Steak, eggs, and chocolate chip pancakes were eaten in a flash and then it was present time. I got plenty of things that I wanted and things that I didn't expect to get. And of course the most important part  was there. Just being with my dad, my two sisters, my brother, my brothers-in-law, my nephew, and my cats was enough to satisfy my Christmas.
Nichole and Brian also stayed for a movie. The first time I had ever seen The Hangover and it was great. I understand what everyone was talking about now.

I can't believe 2009 is almost over. It went too slow and fucking way to fast. Such a crazy ass year. Very emotional. I learned more about myself, lost part of myself, found most of it back, and found new pieces. With all help from my family, my best friends, this world. I've lost some friends and I've made new friends. I honestly thought I wasn't going to make it when I was going through my downs, but then there so much in life to look forward to that I decided to bring in some ups. I hated this year, but I loved it all the same. LETS HERE IT FOR 2010 *people scream*

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The week started off a bit jagged, but taking a day off Tuesday and my friends helped me not get lost in my thoughts.

It's been three months. I looked back at my other blogs and think God, I took this thing very dramatically. And not just on my keyboard, but all my mine was just focused on one thing. I didn't think I'd be able to get through a day without feeling that tight squeeze at my heart. But now, it's getting easier to deal with. I'm not gonna let these to stupid depressed thoughts get in the way of my happiness. And plus, I've been through something more worse than that, I know I can breath through something that little.

I know that this is better for us, better for me. I think it brought me to understand things a bit better.



I saw New Moon today. It was pretty great. It was filmed and directed much better than Twilight. I think the budget had a role in it, too, but not too much. There were some parts of that movie where I was like eh, that was weird, some parts I was like THAT WAS NOT IN THE BOOK!, and THEY LEFT OUT SOME PARTS!, but I know that it's a movie and it not suppose to be all from the book.
The teeny boppers were really annoying. Taylor Lautner (Jacob) took off his shirt at one point and the people were like "Ooo" I swear, I thought what my friend Steven said about these fans taking off their shirts and having orgasms, were gonna actually happen, but it didn't. Then there was other part and well... I can't tell you 'cause you have to watch the movie, but they were "Awww" and I wanted to bite their heads off, but that never happened either.

Thanksgiving is coming up. I'm very excited for the feast that lies ahead. I'm drooling right now. Not to mention I get to visit the family from the Springs.

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So dizzy. So blurry. So much pain.
I've never felt this way before. Never felt like a supernova's been set in my heart. Not even by the person I've liked since sixth grade. I never knew one person could do so much. Why haven't he done this to me before? I'm trying to forget it, but it's it difficult when every street I walk down, every corner I turn, a whole big storm cloud drenches me with memories and thoughts of things that happened with us. Before he was mine and during.
I can't hate him. He still makes me smile and laugh. He, he still cares? 

I'm going to be over this one day, I will. Until then, I will try to be strong when I feel like shit and it's because of this reason.

Tough Life Kid
By: Becca Ford

 

When time begins to slow is when life gets tough.
Grades begin to slip
smiles begin to fade
hearts begin to break.

You feel so small.
Small in a one hundred by one hundred room;
small in a two by four room;
feeling small when you’re six foot three.
So small, you feel you don’t exist

Tears begin to slip when you know you’re doing wrong
Tears begin to slip when you know your hurting others;
when you’re hurting yourself.
Tears won’t stop when you don’t know what to do.

For love; for hate.
You’re skinny; you’re hungry.
Your cry; you hurt.
You fall; you break.
You’re depressed; you’re dead.


I wrote this last year. My feelings for this year (so far) are better. Though I thought I'd post this anyways.
Those who read my journal, tell me what you think?

It's funny how much I think of him. I'm mean, sure, I like him a lot, but I've never thought about him this much. He's always just been a major crush I pushed to the side because I didn't want to do anything stupid if I was around him. He is my best friend after all, he is to me, and I don't want to ruin anything. I've seen to friendships go to hell after dating him. The friendships are okay, but they're not as great as they were before. I don't want that to happen. He helps me survive through the day. I will feel shitty and no matter what he says, it'll make me more happy. Now that Lanna's not going to Rangeview this year, I may need him through this school year. And you know, all these thoughts started flooding in after my friend let me text him from her phone. The conversation wasn't even really a big deal, but it made me more entertained than I would have been.

I wonder when people read my journal (if people read) if they think I'm some idiot. I'm pretty sure I type shit that make no sense. Like, I start off a topic and I sometimes end up rambling and getting off my topic... actually, I don't know about that. I ramble and then I type what I was going to say before I started rambling.

I hate having a crush on the people I have a crush on. There's always something that stops me from wanting to flirt with them or have a crush on them. Every boy I like, every other girl seems to like, too. And every other girl seems to try to spend as much time with them as possible and flirt with them until the world ends. And when I see this, I don't wanna be like all those other girls and so I either back away from the boy, or I have to constantly remind myself hanging all over a boy is just annoying. And sure, some guys are players and they enjoy the constant flirting from girls, but the guys I like look like they wish to be elsewhere. And I can't go any further with just being friends with a guy I like because it just so happens my best friends also likes that person and I don't want to take the risk of them hating me for going out with someone they like. Also, a lot of the time, these guys end up getting a girlfriend right just before I ask them if I want them to go out with me or something.

Last night, I kind of balled my eyes out. Bonkers and Samoa (cats) happen to get into a fight... kind of. Samoa (the kitten) was in my room playing and just as she got on my chair, Bonkers (big kitty) decided to come into my room. And when Bonkers saw Samoa, she got up on a higher area and started hissing at Samoa. And Samoa the kitten she is, just kept playing. And I guess she didn't realize that Bonkers hates her, so she goes to play in the area below Bonkers and Bonkers began hissing more harsh, then BAM! She jumps off the keyboard and scratches the kitten. A tiny bit right next to her eye and a kind of big scratch on her nose. And I was so mad at Bonkers and so mad at Samoa that I just started crying. I want Bonkers to stop being a selfish bitch and get along with Samoa and I want Samoa to stop being a hyper bitch and be careful of her surroundings. Then crying about them just resulted into crying about how whenever Tiffany and Matt would go down to the Springs I'd feel so relaxed and less irritated and now the kitten's here and she just won''t leave me alone. She's like a clingy boyfriend. And whenever I leave somewhere or go to sleep, I can't just leave her wondering around the house of my room since Bonkers hates her so much. So i have to lock her up in my nephews room and I hate locking animals up, I feel like I'm taking their freedom away from them. And I wish I didn't have to worry about this. Sometimes I wish I was a heartless bitch and not care if she is here of not, but now since she is here, I care and it's so frustrating.

Last nights breakdown made me wake up late today. Which would be okay if I didn't have to go to registration for school, but I did; I haven't gone yet, I'm going later today, but I feel like shit about it. Somehow I my alarm didn't set, and when my sister called me, I thought it was the alarm, but realized it wasn't when I looked at the clock. She knew I had just woken up when she called and she had annoyance in her voice and she told me that this better not happen when school starts. I started to think that what happens if it does. I'm probably fucked. I was dead asleep, I wouldn't have woken up for another few hours. So if I slept in during the school year, I'd be so late to school. I'm already worried about fucking up what could be a good future and worry about sleeping in to help, just makes me feel as great as I did last year.

Today's my mom's birthday. She would've been fifty-three. And I wonder if she were still alive, you she feel young or would she feel old? Would today have been a lot more eventful with all her friends over wishing and singing her happy birthday? Or would she have today calm and easy? Would it have been shitty? I don't know. A lot of time I wonder about how things would be if she would still be alive.

When I'm really sad or depressed, I usually think of her more. I usually beg for what happened seven years ago to be a joke, a nightmare. But then sometimes I realize I'm being sad/depressed for the stupidest reason and then I think if she was still here, would I still be who I am today? I like who I am right now. I like the friends I have, I like the school I go to, the boys I see, the music I listen to, the way my room is. I like a lot of things. And it fears me to think that if she was still here, I wouldn't have this. It took a while to find myself. It took a bunch of people, music, crushes, to get me where I am.

I miss my mom, I truly do. I hate that she was taken away from me, my family, but in all the same I'm glad. It made me who I am. And plus where she is is better than here. 

All of a sudden my cat seems to hate me. Up until yesterday afternoon she was love able and cuddly towards me and now every time I try to pet her, she has this instinct to claw and chomped down on my hand. I have no idea where this sudden anger came from. I thinking it has to do with me trying to introduce her to the new kitten my sister and brother-in-law brought home, but I have no clue. I wish she wouldn't act this way, it makes me cry. I wanna hate her for being mean. I wanna smack myself for getting emotional over a pet, but I can't help it. She's like a human to me. I talked to her to much to think of her as just a pet. She's the only one I let see me cry. I hope that she doesn't hate me forever. I love her too much.

I have this summer assignment to do. It's to read Pudd'nhead Wilson by Mark Twain and to do an essay about it. I felt so weird and angry about it. I've never gotten summer homework before and honestly, I thought it never existed. But when I got it, it shocked me and I didn't want this, that's one of the reasons I couldn't wait for school to be over, I wanted to be lazy and not have to do any work. Now when I think about it, I don't feel as angry about it or weird. I don't what to think about it. I only think I should begin doing it before the last minute of I'm going to screw myself right as school start.

I hung out with one of my best friends and a good friend two days ago and it made me want school to start up real bad. Even though my best friend's doesn't go to the same school as me, it just made me excited to be able to having something to keep me entertained, just around the corner. And that good friend of mine happens to be a cute boy that I have a crush on. And I wanna be able to have the chance and see him everyday and school is the only thing that gives me that opportunity. He's not a good enough friend where I can hang out with him without any awkwardness. 

I find it funny that every summer starts out boring for me and that only the end starts to get exciting and fun.

When you mention that you're tired of making people happy and are going to start thinking about yourself more, doesn't that make you feel little bit selfish? Why does making other people happy such a bad thing? Can't you multitask? You can't be happy from seeing them smile? I go through an everyday thing making other people happy and sometimes I wonder why I do it. But the thought goes away quickly and I remember that it makes me giddy when people look so glad to be part of life. I can't see a single person who's in a bad mood and not wanna try to cheer them up. I don't care how much I hate that person or they hate me, they shouldn't have to so such emotions when life's too short to frown. Smiles are beautiful and it's stupid that you'd wanna ruin those for your own sake.

Karma is such a bitch.
-_-

Yesterday I found out that they're taking a break. I hope they're break becomes permanent.
They're cuteness is probably what cause me to catch a cold.

Today was better than yesterday. I was back to my usual mood changing self; still am now. I don't know if I would call it being bi-polar, sometimes I do when it's like crazy change, but when I'm not changing every second, I'm not being bi-polar.

There was no classes due to my school having its graduation, so I got to sleep in a bit. I woke up to my brother stopping upstairs. At first, thought it was the drums in my dream, but it ended up being too loud.

I tanned outside for a while, it was relaxing and peacefully. I regretted going back inside when I was done. I hate being in here now.

I really wanna watch The Diary of Anne Frank again. I don't know why I love that movie so much. I can't even list off the reasons why I love it.
I can't watch it though. Sister and brother are already watching the movie Sniper. It's cool, but not as cool as Anne Frank.

Through out this whole day, I felt like crying.
For missing my mom.
About him.
Not being able to crack jokes at school next year with Lanna.
And my stupid computer for not working.

I think the last may be a bit stupid to cry about, but you don't know how much I miss being in my quiet peaceful room. Where I can laugh my ass off, cry my ass off, and...other stuff that I can't do out here.

Normally my emotions never stay the same during one day, but today it did. And it's stupid that it has to be a blue one.

Yesterday, he walked close to me and put his hand over mine.

Today, him and me walked and talked. Nothing special, but to me, it was more than that.

It's been forever since I've written an actual journal entry. All my other posts have been writer blocks, but writer block had never been the problem of my lack of blogging; I've just been too lazy.

You know, it's been almost two years since I've joined LiveJournal. I've really gotten bored of it either. Even though there's not much to do but blog and read other peoples blogs, it's comforting and fun. And people on LJ are more respectful and polite than on MySpace and Youtube and other sites that are not LJ. I feel cheesy and lame for thinking this, but it's what I've been thinking since I've become a high schooler.

Summer vacation begins in eight days. I can't freakin' wait. School sucks ass. This year has been shit. I was depressed and sad for most of it. I was way more emotional than ever. I've missed my mom more than ever. The only thing good about this year was being with friends and this cutie. They've both made me get through all that shitty shit.

I've been obsessed with The Diary of Anne Frank lately.Two weeks ago my friend and I saw the play and then last week the movie happened to be on FOX so my sister recorded it on DVR. i haven't been able to read the actual Diary, but I will eventually.

I'm too lazy to write anything else. I'm off to bed.

Becca

Both Ways.

 

I let my mind look both ways.
It was a hard decision, it really was.
So I let my body decide.

One side wanted to go left,
one whated to go right.
I couldn't take the screaming, pain,
or confusion anymore.

I let the right go right;
the left go left. 
Let them wonder to away.
They're big kids now.

I let them wonder away,
not know whether they'll be back tomorrow,
Christmas,
or never.

But they're big kids now.
They make their decisions.
They chose both ways.
 

No more smoke
Surley there is enough.
No more cancer sticks being thrown on concrete, grass, or sand.
No more inhaling or exhaling, huffing or puffing.
No more plugging my nose, holding my breath, or frowning.

I suffered from a family death.
One or two nights I cry in a week.
That would allow me to stay awake.

As it is, I'm torn, I'm ripped, from moment to moment I heal.
Turn back time, you'll see my pain.
You would know how it happened.
You won't know how it did.